Fighting Doubt by Giving Hope a Chance to Shine

So I’ve started and stopped this post several times. Hands hesitating over the keyboard, nervous to unload my heart into words on the screen. Praying earnestly that those whose eyes will read the words of my heart, may know with grace and understanding that all that is shared is born out of the deepest desire to spread hope, and for JB and I to remember all that He has done and is continuing to do through this soul-stretching journey. To be honest, it’s my natural bent to want to only post the “good stuff”, but this whole long journey we’ve been on from infertility to stepping out in faith to adopt has undone and emboldened me ways I never imagined. So here’s what’s on my mind…

It seems that waiting seasons tend to trigger a kind of tug-o-war between over-thinking and doubt. Where it feels like an exhausting task to try and quiet the mind and heart. I’m reminded of the wise words of Martin Lloyd-Jones:

“Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them but they are talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you."

Frankly, I get tired of listening to myself. So from time-to-time I have to literally talk aloud to myself (which sounds crazy, but it really works) and just say “Enough!”. I do a quick soul-check by pulling out God’s word, or listen to some Christ-centered music to drown out my mindless-thought-banter with some capital ‘t’ Truth! Lloyd-Jones suggests applying Truth this way:

"[In Psalm 42] Now this man’s [likely David] treatment was this: instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. “Why art thou cast down, O my soul?” he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says, “Self, listen for moment, I will speak to you.”

Healing happens in the light of Truth. So I want to be a truth-teller, even if it means sharing the uncomfortable parts of this adoption process, because I know He can use it to edify and encourage others. Just like the countless times His providence has connected us to others in the adoption community. It’s through these relationships that we’ve seen the beautiful, the messy, the hard, and the undeniably God-sized moments that put His glory on display. These shared stories are the ones that God continues to use to encourage us to keep pressing-on.

We don’t want to forget that each moment of doubt along the way was always met with our Savior’s gracious and patient reminder to “be still” and “lean not on our own understanding”. Yet, we’re human and as C.S. Lewis once said, “Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.” So lest anyone think that I’m just a natural optimist, life’s jaded me a bit and I’m really not so much. Most days, I struggle looking like a trembling Moses or doubting Thomas…but God! (two of my favorite words in the Bible by the way). It’s His gracious, loving hand that sustains us and keeps us pressing-on.

“You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.” – Psalm 119:114

Honestly, the doubt we sometimes fight against, isn’t at all about whether or not we should be adopting, but instead can we be all that this sweet child needs and deserves? Are we just as ready to accept the exhausting, scary-hard days as we are the beautiful, joy-filled days? Each and every time we ask this of ourselves, we answer “Yes!”. Now, before anyone assumes that we are a) naïve b) crazy or c) a little of both, let me explain something a bit further.

A large part of the adoption process is wisely spent training, learning, discussing all there is to know about becoming a conspicuous family. And while I thought I understood this before, I am now convinced more than ever that we must be careful not to approach adoption with the desire to make our family what we think it should look like. Instead, if we truly value life, we must accept that the need for families to love and fight for these children is far greater than the desire to make these children fit into what our ideal family looks like. We must acknowledge the beauty of adoption as well as identify the tragedy of it all – without the balance of perspective no one can ever really understand the importance and significance of adoption.

So here’s what JB and I know, and willingly accept no matter the cost.

The privilege of adoption is a wonderful thing, but it begins with a loss. Every one of the children where we are adopting from have been abandoned. Literally left on street corners, bus stations, back-alleys and then brought into or left nearby the orphanages around town. Most often left behind in desperation because the parents simply cannot care for their son/daughter’s medical needs. Consequently, these children experience multiple losses. The loss of their birth-parents and then the loss of relationship (if there was any) with the Ayis (caregivers) or foster family they may have attached to. So, while we may daydream about the moment our eyes lay hold of our littlest bear in-person, we also know it will be one filled with an intermingling of joy and grief. Joy for the son or daughter we will gain; grief over the fact that our child will be mourning the loss of everything they ever knew. While we fully recognize that all that they may have known before us was a broken form of what family looks like, it’s still the only reality they’ve ever known.

To help us gain a clearer perspective, someone once gave us this anecdotal story:

One day out of the blue, someone walks Joel and I into a room of unfamiliar faces. I am then gently guided over to a man who looks longingly at me and utters a “Hello” in a language I don’t understand. Then someone explains to me that Joel will be leaving and this man will be my new husband. He takes my hand and then quietly says something to a translator, where I’m told he has just expressed his unwavering commitment to love and care for me, and how he has been eagerly awaiting this day. Shortly after, I’m ripped from away from Joel and left with this new stranger. After seeing my panicky expression, he tries to reassure me, again in a language I can’t comprehend, that we will be leaving to go to a new country to start a new life together. One where I know nothing of the culture, food, people, smells, language….

While this is obviously not the exact scenario these children experience, just hearing it caused me to be overcome with emotion. It gave me quick insight into what these precious kiddos experience the day they lose all they’ve ever known to gain a family God has ordained for them. I’m careful with my words here, because truthfully every single orphan should be with their biological mother and father, and when circumstances prevent them from being able to it’s catastrophic. Adopting an orphan, is one big prayerful step for God to humbly redeem the life of a child by giving them the unconditional love of a forever family.

Choosing to adopt means willingly choosing to look into the face of brokenness and sorrow and accept it as our own. At first, I wrestled with these seemingly dissonant feelings, until I realized this is exactly what Christ did for us. And when I considered this truth, I was reassured that when we choose hope, we always give God the opportunity to showcase His glory. And goodness gracious, do I want to shout this from the roof tops these days. How often do we drown out the flame of daring hope, just because we may be too scared of what would be required of us?

The call to obedience sometimes means doing the right thing scared. I love this quote:

So, if you talk to us on any given day you might find us thrilled at the hope of littlest bear joining our family. Other days you might find us cautiously optimistic and keenly aware of our weaknesses. We’re learning more and more, that all of life is a beautiful arrangement of joy and fighting for faith. While we can't possibly predict or prepare for every bump in the road, Joel and I will always fight for hope. For we know, “…hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:5).

And as always, we continue to warmly invite all of you who love us into the story God is writing. It's sure to have some boring parts, some tear-jerker moments, comical relief and even some plots twists along the way, but we trust the Author penning the pages knows exactly what He's doing.

Joyfully in Christ,